Trouble in “Paradise.”

(written on Thursday Dec. 9)

Well it’s been a tough few days. After being cooped up in the house because of the unrest of the city, I was looking forward to walking to Foyer de la Providence Orphanage to spend some time with the children and then to see our friend Pastr Armos.

My joy was quickly turned into sadness however when our driver came and informed me that it was not safe to go out. People are throwing rocks, and sticks and bottles at people as they are in the streets. A second person that works for us called to tell me the same thing. Finally, Pastor Amos came to me because of the violence. I guess, I was just supposed to stay put.

This was a struggle for me. I can sit for a day and do “nothing.” Day after day of not being able to get out and be among the people was a challenge. What is happening Lord? What am I doing here? I was so sure that I was supposed to come back to Haiti. I was never clear on the timing. Did I miss you? Was I wrong? REST was the only answer that came to me. REST??? I have been doing nothing but resting for the last several days. What is this about? Frustrated I went to my room to be alone. As I lay on my air mattress I talked to the Lord. There is nothing but chaos here and frustration. For the people of Haiti and for me. This doesn’t make sense. REST. REST!!!! I CAN’T rest!!!! There are animals machining all kinds of noises, people in the streets yelling and various groups of people in homes singing and crying out themselves. I can’t REST in the midst of all of this!!! I need to DO something! I am a doer, a self confessed work-a-holic. I have been doing my best for years to get out of this trap but a worker bee is who I am. I wish I could tell you that I have learned balance in this area. I have come a long way, but I still have a way to go.  Continually hearing REST was not what I wanted to hear.

I will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on me…Ding, ding, ding! The light-bulb finally went on. As this rang through my ears I finally got it. As much as I need physical rest, I need spiritual rest even more. Perhaps this is another lesson for me in those areas. Shortly before I left home, I had a painful reminder that I am NOT superwoman. I have to pay careful attention to the leading of the Holy Spirit. When He is saying yes and when He is saying no.

So I could not get out but I could spend some time with my Papa. I began to study more for the teen girls bible Study that the Lord has placed in my heart. Many of our girls are suffering in silence both here and abroad. When doing, women’s ministry in Africa, the women consistently say, please teach this to the younger girls so that they don’t have to suffer as much when they are growing up. So I study and worship and pray for the nation of Haiti. Intercession is my gift anyway and I am guilty of sometimes trying to DO something tangible when really the Lord has only called me to pray. When we seek Him first, He gives you clear answers and the way to go anyway. Simply doing things in flesh or for the sake of doing them generally causes more problems and anxiety anyway. You would think I have mastered this already. I am a missionary right?

Resting in the Lord may look different to different people and at different seasons of your life. In my life right now, I need to remember that He is my Father and He holds the world in His hands. It’s not my responsibility to try to meet the needs of the world. My responsibility is to do what He assigns me to do. Resting in Him right now means to know means to worship, study, pray and trust Him with the answers to my future. My future while I am here in Haiti and my future when I return. It means that when I can get out of this house, then I need to seek Him for where I need to go and who I need to help. Just because I don’t have a team doesn’t mean that I can’t accomplish something while I am here. There is plenty of work to be done, I just need to listen to Him for what my part is.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6

I trust the Lord, for the people of Haiti, the people of America and for me. That’s the easy part of all of this. Now I have to walk it out on a daily basis.