The past few days have been delightful. My energy levels are up and life is moving forward again. In a word, I have become ALIVE again!
The past month was difficult for me. I have never been a person to lie around all day and do nothing. I am in constant motion, multi-tasking is a gift and a way of life for me. While I do allow myself to “live in the moment,” I am always working on the next project and looking toward the future. In my “former life” as an Event Planner, I was working on several events at one time and usually a year or more in advance. My colleagues and I used to joke, that what Toya wants, she gets. (professionally) I don’t take no for an answer easily and I have been known to work long hours and do whatever was necessary to achieve the results that I wanted. I admit that I am a bit of a perfectionist and somewhat of a control freak. Again, this has only been in my professional life. To be honest, for a long time I didn’t really care about my personal life. I lived for my work and sadly, that was where I received all of my worth and value. In addition to my job, I was involved in a lot of ministry at my church and volunteered.
When the Lord told me it was time to pack up my office and leave, I thought I was crazy. That can’t be God I said. This is my life, this is all I know. This is what I have worked hard for and I love it. You see, I had built up a “perfect Toya world.” I kept myself in a bubble, dealing with who was necessary to deal with, in order to achieve the results I wanted. People were invited into my professional or ministry world but that was it. They were not invited to know ME or be a part of my life. All along, inside there was a battle. I loved people, loved being around them but I wasn’t willing to allow them into any other aspects of my life. When people tried to get close, I politely pushed them away. I remember telling one person who was trying to be my friend, that I didn’t need any more people in my life. How sad is that??
I did end up leaving my job. I had a real Abraham experience. (Gen 12:1) I ended up being a nanny for a family who had a child with cancer. While I knew this was my assignment for that time, I foolishly thought that I could work with them while not letting them into my life or me being involved in theirs. In the beginning it was strictly business. I was there to work and to pray for them. Ha! The joke was on me. We all went through serious change during those years. God was beginning my refining process and they became an intricate part of my life. When I realized that we were truly a family, I remember telling the mom, I don’t know how you slipped in but you did.
Fast forward several years… I hear about AIM’s Community Life program and I very clearly hear the Lord when He says that this was my next step. After much inward battle, my life with AIM began. Com Life was hard for me. I was not only allowing trying to allow people into my life, they were in my physical space. Many of my friends thought I was crazy and I had several calls and emails asking me if I thought I could really go through with it. It was hard. I had to learn to let people in to many aspects of my life that I had never shared before. Ouch is all I can tell you. The Lord taught me much about Himself, and I started to get to know the Toya that He designed me to be, not the person that I had created from feelings of fear, rejection, people only wanting to be in my life for what I could do for them, etc.
Flash forward to May 2010. I am called to go to Haiti. Another assignment that I didn’t want but felt the Lord’s leading to go. In some aspects, this was another “community life.” (30 or so staff living together when we were not on the field) I told the Lord and I told my community, I am not here to make new friends, I am here to lead people on Mission trips! (I am a “missionary” right!) I had no intention of allowing people into my life. That was Toya’s plan. Definitely not God’s plan.
I woke early one morning with 1 Corninthians 13 in my heart. I began to read and the Lord started speaking to my heart. This happenned several times while I was in there. LOVE was the reason I was in Haiti. LOVE is the reason I am a missionary and LOVE is why I am even a Christian today. The Lord didn’t take me to Haiti for the sole purpose of helping the Haitian people or for me to lead mission trips. He took me to Haiti to teach me how to truly love myself and how to receive love from others. He was once again letting me know that I NEED LOVE in my life. I not only need to show love, I need to receive it from those around me. He created us to live and work together. We need each other to survive.
My big Revelation… My LOVE walk needs some fine tuning. In some ways, I have realized that I am still politely pushing people away. While I am willing to pour all I have into others, I have not allowed many of you to pour back into me. This time of healing from the physical things I had to deal with in Haiti, I am also going through a time of spiritual healing. I have had to admit to myself and to the Lord that Toya is still trying to be in control and she is still trying to protect her heart. The reality is that I can’t and I never could. I have got to learn to love with reckless abandon, and to allow the people that God has placed in my life to really be a part of my life and who I am. So all of this is to say that I need YOU! I need you to know what is going on with me, the good and the bad. When I am hurting and when I’m happy. I need you to speak truth into my life when I might be walking down a dangerous road and I need you to rejoice with me when I reach the end of a trying journey.
Forgive me for keeping you at a distance and only trusting you with the Ministry aspects of my life. Forgive me for thinking that you only need to see the “strong” sides of me and not my weakness. While I do feel that I have grown in the last few years, it is clear to me that there is much more growth needed in this area. Thank you for loving me anyway. Thank you for pouring into me, sometimes with reluctance on my part. Thank you for just being my friends.
The past few weeks have shown me even more that people want to know Toya, you want to be a part of all aspects of my life not just one or two. The love that has been demonstrated to me has been overwhelming and it leaves me speechless. THANK YOU!!
Continue to pray for me and this wonderful journey I’m on called life.
I need you, you need me.
We’re all a part of God’s body.
Stand with me, agree with me.
We’re all a part of God’s body.
We’re all a part of God’s body.
Stand with me, agree with me.
We’re all a part of God’s body.
It is his will, that every need be supplied.
You are important to me, I need you to survive.
You are important to me, I need you to survive.
All I can say is “AMEN” sister. We Love you!
Toya, I have seen the changes in you since I first met you in January. The “love” was demonstrated by your concern for Donna and I when we weren’t in church when you were here visiting. During your time in Haiti, it was very evidentthat you were yielding more and more. That’s why we love you so much, sister. We’re always anxiously waiting to hear from you every chance that you get to send something.
In His gracious love,
Leo & Donna
glad to hear you are doing well and enjoying the work that you are doing. i just spent 2 hours catching up on your blog. 🙂
what?