Or am I…
After my last blog posted I received a series of emails, phone calls and text messages from friends who wanted to “come and rescue me.” Let me be perfectly clear that AIM and/or COM LIFE are not holding me hostage. I do have the opportunity to walk away from all of this if I choose to. It is my choice to stay exactly where I am and continue on this journey. The truth is that I was a part of the “ugly” within our community. (Bad attitudes count as ugly!)
In reality I was being held hostage. Not from a person, but from many of the lies of the enemy and bondage that I have chosen (consciously or subconsciously) to place myself in.
- Lies that I’m not good enough
- Lies that I have to be so Independent and not ever lean on anyone for anything
- Lies that I have to protect myself and my heart
- Fear of letting people in and being hurt more and more
I could go on and on but I think you get the idea. Truth be told, I was being held hostage in my own prison.
We held training camp this week and I was there as a staff member but I received so much. As we all learned about heart issues and how much God values us and wants to truly be our Father, I was broken. I’ve always known that I can’t truly protect myself but I really understood this weekend how much I tell the Lord that I don’t trust Him enough to take care of me when I refuse His care, love and protection.
I took part in the Surrender Walk this weekend. Each of us had to take a log and write things on it that we wanted to surrender to the Lord. It was about a 1.5 mile walk but a good bit of it was going up a steep hill. This was not on a trail but the actual side of a very big mountain in the woods. The entire time we were climbing we had to carry the log and/or rocks and other things that represented the weight we carry in our heart. Talk about hard!!! In addition to all of this, I have dislocated knees and no cartilage left in there. I have all kinds of special “equipment” and things to hike or take long walks with but it is all in Charlotte in my friends basement. When I completed the first part of the hike and climbed my first hill I was thrilled that I had actually made it. My joy was short lived when I was informed that I wasn’t done and there was another bigger hill to go. YIKES! I sat on the side of the road for a good 15 minutes or so trying to decide if I was going to continue. My knees have given out on me when walking on flat ground so I did not see how I could support myself going up a mountain and carrying a log and a rock. I finally decided that I had to choose to trust God. Each step up I had to ask God for strength to continue. Many people were coming back down the mountain and kept encouraging me that I only had a few more steps to go. LIARS, LIARS, LIARS. It took me about 45 minutes to go up the whole mountain. Just before I reached the end, I had to check my attitude. I had forgotten all about what I was supposed to surrender and had been focusing on how hard it was and the fact that I felt everyone was lying to me. I stood and prayed for a little while and one by one I gave up each thing that I had written on the log. I took my last final steps to the cross and placed my log there. How wonderful it was to finish. I was overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude for the ability to finish. (If you knew the whole story with my knees you would understand) As I sat at the foot of the cross praying it was as if God was saying to me, You see, You trusted me to take care of your knees to get you up the hill, I can protect you and your heart the same way if you trust Me to do it. Just like you took the risk today, you must continue to take risks and allow me to protect you.
My hostage situation was over. I am free. While I understand that this is a continual process, I have the power not to pick up the log again. No way am I climbing up the mountain again just to come down with more weight. I took my journey to freedom and I am striving to continue walking down that path.
More later on the healing that took place the next day!
