The Honeymoon is definately over and the real work of this “marriage” has begun…
Just as I felt I was getting my rhythm here and finding part of my purpose for being at AIM, I hit the wall. I didn’t just bump into it, I slammed into it, and boy did it hit hard.
My car decided to die, medical issues had me in severe pain, people in the house were getting on my nerves and I became a weeping willow. I just wanted to go back to my own little space and hide away. There isn’t really my own space in a house full of people so we all know how that went. I just wanted my house back and to retreat into the world that I am comfortable with.
A wise friend of mine reminded me that I didn’t choose to be here, God chose my path. I chose to be obedient. I can continue to be obedient or I can choose disobedience and the consequences that go along with that choice. God still gives us free will.
As I spent time in prayer and study, I had the thought, well the honeymoon is definately over. Suppose I had gotten married 6 weeks ago and we were having our first fight. Would I say forget it and walk away? Of course not. If I had made a committment to the marriage, I would work through the issues and fight to make things better. My committment to AIM is a marriage of sorts.
Within the marriage committment there is a time of getting to know each other and finding out what makes the other person tick. Learning how to live with someone is very different than dating them. It requires intimacy and compromise on many levels. I made a committment to this Community, but an ultimate committment to God. I pledged to allow Him to change me and make me into the person He wants me to be. I agreed to let Him knock down the walls that I have had up for so many years and I agreed to allow Him to do it within the confines of this community. Truth be told, had I known what I was in for, I probably wouldn’t have agreed!
In some ways I feel like my previous Christian walk has been a time of dating or courtship. I have now entered into a “spiritual marriage.” My relationship with God is beginning to look and feel different. Learning to be a “new creature” in Christ is hard enough when you are on your own. For a person like me, walking out these steps in the eyes of 11 other people is not just difficult, it’s excruciating. I am learning to trust that God truly does have my back when He asks me to be transparent. (with myself, Him and others)
Intimacy isn’t easy and it isn’t pain free. True Intimacy requires risk and sometimes plenty of pain. What I failed to realize all of these years, is that in order to value true joy and happiness, you must have had some pain along the way.
These days I am feeling like I am on the Threshing Floor and the Lord is beating all of the crap out of me, to get to the useful good stuff. FYI – A Threshing floor is the place where the chaff and the wheat are separated. The chaff, which is useless, blows away in the wind because of how light it is. The grain is heavier so it falls to the ground and is gathered to be harvested.
I desperately want all of the light useless chaff to blow away, yet, sometimes it seems that I am running in the wind, chasing the very things that God is trying to get rid of. Today I am letting it go once again, with the hopes that I will only continue to harvest the good stuff. I’m grateful for grace and the ability to walk in it. I refuse to believe the lies of the enemy. I am worth all of the hard work. In 1 Chronicles 3 David ends up building an temple on the threshing floor grounds. I hope my temple will ultimately be erected on the grounds of my own threshing floor.
Keep te faith. You are in my prayers.
Love you Toya. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, experience and love. Hold on…it going to get better.
Oooh…I love that analogy, Toya! And I think it is very accurate. It’s a rough spot to be in, like a boot camp of sorts, but lean on God and on your fellow AIMers for help. I have had to do that at times, and neither have let me down.