Today has been a hard and interesting day. My last grandparent passed away this morning. My grandmother has been ill for a little while now. A few days before I left for Hawaii I called to check and see how she was doing. My prayer was that she would still be here when I came back and actually had a good amount of time to spend with her instead of a rushed visit here or there.

 

God is still in control and I know that she was tired. She deserves to be resting in the arms of Jesus right now and I am happy she's there.

 

Isn't it interesting how death forces you to evaluate your life...

 

This death in particular comes with many questions, and concerns. What does the future look like? What will happen to the family dynamics? Mothers and grandmothers have a way of cementing life together. They make everything work when it doesn't seem like it should. They are the ultimate glue that holds families together. Without them there seems to be lots of uncertainty and rocky roads ahead. No matter how old you are or how much you may have fought with them, everyone seems to breathe a little easier when mom is around.

 

So my prayers are there for all of her children and my cousins who lived with her all of their lives. I lived with my other grandmother for many years and it took me three years to go back to her house after she passed away. My heart goes out to all of them particularly because I will not be able to be with them during this time. This seems to be a bit of a blessing and a curse. It's interesting being away and going through this. You see things in a very different light. I am surrounded by people and yet feel so alone.

 

With all of my questions I will still trust God. A few things that happened during my last visit with my grandmother are now starting to make sense. A few other things leave me with even more questions. I've come to realize this is the way God works. He answers some questions but sometimes in those answers, more questions surface.

 

My heart has been breaking lately and I fear this may be the last thing to rip it to shreds. All of my questions about loving people and losing them have resurfaced in a completely different light.  I recognize that God's hand is at work and I'm grateful that He is in the heart repair business. He will be the only one who can see all of us through this and the many questioning days ahead.

 

Keep me and my family in your prayers.

 

T